Within many belief patterns marriage is believed to be a sacred undertaking, a commitment before God, included within the marriage ceremony are the words ‘what God has joined together let no man put asunder’.
Church law was honoured in times past so many remained locked into a marriage they no longer desired to know for to empower their self to choose to live outside the partnership also meant to live outside the church.
For a period of time civil law, and some belief patterns, permitted the male to dissolve his marriage but the female was not offered the same right or protection so was most often left destitute and dishonoured.
Gradually there was an easing of civil divorce law but church law still did not recognise that right and so those choosing to legally end their marriage were social pariahs for the role of the church within the community was very strong, and the moral code the majority honoured was based on its teaching.
Over the past century, as more and more people chose to reclaim their right to choose their own direction, the role of the churches within society lessened, so began many social changes.
Change in accepted behaviour patterns does not happen suddenly, it is a gradual realisation that the accepted way is not always the desired way.
Many will continue to honour a code of conduct because they fear the outcome of a change of that perceived as moral or immoral.
As the right to divorce became more socially acceptable it also become more easily attained, so with familiarity the stigma attached to one who chose to divorce gradually lessened.
At first any choosing to marry again could only do so within a civil ceremony but as divorce became a common occurrence many of the churches changed their law to permit remarriage within their way.
But what has changed? Is it their interpretation of the scriptures or recognition of the right of each to choose for self what works and what does not?
Within a relationship all are able to choose again but many do not believe they have the right, for some their despair is as a barrier to the knowledge that they have the power to say ‘enough, this is not who I am, this is not how I desire to know myself’.
I know some will think this simplistic, those within a violent or demeaning relationship that has been allowed to flourish, I say allowed to flourish because one who believes they have no choice, through their silence and acceptance, are permitting it to continue.
I do not seek to simplify or make light of but to shed light on.
For many their sense of self is limited to what they receive and so if it is abuse, physical or mental, their measure is in accordance with this.
Many who believe their self to be of little worth will place great value on pleasing another so that is the role they enact within the relationship.
Believing they have little to contribute they expect little to be given, after a time when words or deeds that are both distressing and demeaning are directed at them they keep silent. Through their lack of self worth, and desire to please, the thought arises that the other has the right of it when they are told that they have brought this to self, that all is the result of their behaviour, that they are being shown the error of their ways for their own good, hence their acceptance of what is.
There is a truth that even the abuser is abused if no one says enough.
Those who choose to inflict abuse upon another may appear to believe their self more worthy than, superior to, the other, when in truth it is their lack of self worth that prompts them to seek to have power over another.
Self worth permits self growth, not in the sense of self-ish but self-less, that is, the sense of self permits one to look outside the square, to expand their way to include another and so will not permit another to diminish or demean their sense of self, nor desire to diminish or demean another’s.
Whether one is the receiver of or the giver to realisation of self worth enables one to say, enough, no more, I will no longer permit this to be my way.
Today most know they have opportunity to choose again, even those who still hold to their church doctrine will separate their self from the relationship; this became evident as women began to recognise that they had a right to be heard and independent of the control of another.
I do not infer by this that the male role was the sole creator of the disharmony for all know that this is not truth but until recent times the law of the land and church gave the male the right to be in control.
Male domination within the community was of long standing so was accepted by many as being the way until, due to social upheaval, the female was called upon to forgo her accepted role and assume the mantel previously the domain of the male.
During the two world wars of the past century many women were employed to fulfil work that had been previously male dominated, this brought them independence in the form of a financial income as well as opportunity to view the way of another.
When hostilities ceased many men found their previously accepted way within the home and society forever changed, through the realisation that they were capable of much more than they previously thought many women no longer desired to return to a dependent role, they felt empowered to discover more and began to look outside the home for a way of being self supporting.
Having grown with the belief that the mans role was to provide and the women’s nurture many men now felt displaced, diminished, not only had their role within the family changed so too had their authority for the female had found that she was capable of decision making and chose to exercise it.
Some men were able to accept and adjust to this for their time away from family commitments throughout the war years had brought opportunity to mingle with others whose way was vastly different to theirs, they realised what had been their accepted way was not the only way therefore they were open to another way of being.
Another realisation for many men was the enjoyment of freedom from their responsibility for family; many had felt bowed down by that which society expected of them so like the women they desired to experience a freedom of choice, to choose direction for self, and chose to be, do, as desired.
Some chose willingly to return to their previous way, and some, both male and female, demanded a return to what was which brought disharmony and dissent within the home. Gradually, with the knowledge that there was another way to be, many chose to leave and live their life apart from family commitments.
Whether the choice was to stay within the previous pattern or step outside it all were aware that there was another way and most believed they had the right to know it.
Is marriage a sacred trust? Are marriage vows made within a church binding? Do they differ to those made outside a church or religious ceremony?
No, no and no.
Marriage is neither a sacred trust nor a promise that is binding until death, it is the coming together of two souls, each has chosen to experience with and through their time together, it is a life choice and each has the right to act within the role they have chosen.
So too with those who choose to form a partnership without civil or church ceremony, though there may be no formal commitment made it is no less a spiritual meeting of two souls who desire to grow through and with the other.
Regardless of how a partnership is created all have the right to bring it to an end if it is their will to do so.
It is not the ending of or the desire to choose again that needs to be addressed but, how this is set in place.
If all would put as much love into the ending as they do the beginning they would know greater peace of mind, not many choose to respect and honour the other though standing firm on their decision to move on, too often it becomes a tug of war over children, money, possessions.
Instead of gratitude for all the gifts, opportunities, the other brought them it becomes a focus on what was perceived as given.
Think on this, a time of stress or sorrow hurting the other with harsh words or legal action will not ease this, you are the creator of your reality, if you desire to know peace and love you must be peace and love.
Prepare yourself to move forward on your path through acceptance of what is.
Let go of what was for you are not a victim but a willing participant, although many believe they did not contribute to the separation of way this is not so.
Separation begins when negativity becomes the foundation of thought, when awareness of dissatisfaction enters ask yourself why and what you desire to bring into being through this awareness, if left untended dissatisfaction will turn to resentment, regret, anger, revenge and so forth.
It is your journey and you are the creator, you draw to yourself all that you desire to experience, look to self, take responsibility for choices made, and be grateful for the opportunity they present.
Let go and you will know the freedom to be, cling and you will become locked into what was.
When self responsibility is taken, accepted, what was no longer has the power to freeze you in time.
One who holds another responsible becomes caught up in the ‘what if and if only’ mind set, and too often the children, brought into being with and through love, become the recipient of the discontent, anger. Like soldiers on a battlefield they try to make sense of the mayhem but feel powerless to change it.
A child asked to choose between parents, questioned on the others way, made the recipient of thoughts that are both negative and unsettling, will often assume that it is their role to make things right, will take responsibility for the happiness of those they love and when they are unable to determine how to bring this to fruition they feel diminished, unworthy.
Let them know, let them witness through your words and deeds, that regardless of whether their parents are together or separate they, their children, are loved unconditionally.
Issues still to be addressed are not the responsibility of the children, let them know they are free to enjoy time with both parents, speak of happy times, shared moments of laughter, and restore a balance to their way.
The way of the caregiver provides the stepping stone upon which the child sets out on its journey, the pointers set in place enable the child to find direction as it begins to explore and experience. They too create their way through thought and through experience discover what works for them and what does not, your example is their first step in forming their own code of conduct.
Children who witness their parents using words as a weapon with which to attack each other will decide this is an acceptable way to express their own fear of what is happening within their way.
They will often express their cry for help and understanding in the way they have witnessed but instead of being heard, understood, they are too often classed as disruptive, out of control.
You will enable a child to stand tall in its own light when it is witness to the larger concept of adaptability to what is.
A partnership is a union of will and purpose, divorce is separation of will and way, a change of direction and purpose.
Within a marriage or partnership define yourself not as one who is a part of another but instead as one who shares in and with the way of another, remember that the journey is yours, the outcome yours, although harmonising your way with another you are creating for you.
Awareness that one does not need another to enable fulfilment of way and will removes from each the belief that they are responsible for the others way.
Yes the way of each does affect the other but each is responsible for how they choose to be within this, each must accept responsibility for their creation, for just as a ripple on a pond expands way beyond its beginning all that you bring into being touches the lives of those close to you and beyond.
With the knowledge of self creation you will know that you do not have to redefine self if a separation of way should come into being, you will know that you have all the tools necessary to create a new pattern.
For mankind to sustain its way and grow into its own wisdom it is necessary for there to be an adjustment of what works and what does not.
The desire to reclaim the right of self direction has brought into being many changes to that which is accepted as, the way, divorce is just one of them.
Through your thought about it you adapt, adjust, alter, and the moral code of your society becomes redefined.